MARCH MADNESS: SELECTION MONDAY

UPDATED: We now have competitor capsules with a breakdown of each entry. Submit your bracket in the comments section by Wednesday at Noon for a chance to win a prize! RAWR!

Hey everyone! Time for productivity to drop 1 Billion % or whatever it is. If you’re a sports fan/have a pulse, you are well aware that March Madness is upon us. The release of the bracket is pretty much all we’ll hear about until play actually starts. Well, we here at Pop Ramblings also want to celebrate March’s fabled tournament, but give you non-basketballers something to get excited about. With that, I give you Pop Ramblings first ever bracket: The Tournament of Monsters.

This pits some of your favorite movie monsters against each other to see which one would reign supreme. I’ve been doing a ton of research in order to give you all the best breakdowns of each showdown. So the bracket features 17 monsters plucked from the realms of creature features who will battle against one and other in my mind to determine who is the biggest baddy of all.  Without further ado, the bracket:

Alien (ALIEN, 1979)-
Size: 7’2” (not counting tail)

A cold-blooded adaptable killer. These aliens have a vast array of weapons at their disposal: extending jaws, piercing tail, and oh yeah ACID BLOOD. The presence of this blood all but precludes Alien from being attacked in a melee style, which will prove difficult for some of the other competitors. Alien is a very cunning and highly intelligent creature whose perfection in form is only matched by its hostility. Leads the tourney in gross-out factor as it impregnates you via suffocating your mouth and then it hatches from inside. Also, has a serious drooling problem.

Poltergeist (Poltergeist, 1982)-
Size: As big as it wants to be

From beyond it comes, this unholy host will terrorize enemies with a potent mix of terror, beguilement, and physical pain. Poltergeist can get into the head of its opponent better than probably anyone in the field. Weaponry includes telekinetics, illusions, and energy blasts along with turning your daughter into a FREAKY little kid. Sometimes distracted by simply moving furniture around.

Werewolf (American Werewolf in London, 1981)-
Size: Double a big ass dog

Hailing from the moors of England is this ravenous beast, by the bite of another and the full moon’s rise, is a terror to Englishmen and others alike. His animal nature is dangerous for all-comers and using his claws, teeth, and native instincts should allow him to prove a dangerous foe for all involved. Also the hairiest competitor. Luckily, tournament officials were able to get a full moon for  all of wolfie’s matches. (SCIENCE)

Graboids (Tremors, 1990)-
Size: 30 feet long

They may not look like much but worms with extra teeth, but take a misstep and these sandworms could make it your last. Their greatest weapon is what their competitor is standing on: solid formerly solid ground. However, when they pop out of the ground they can also snag their pretty with 3 whip-like tentacles which also feature mouths and spikes. (Were the designers just like, “Hey what ELSE can we put on those tentacles?” “Throw a MOUTH on there.” “No, A SPIKY mouth.” “No, a spiky mouth with its OWN TENTACLES.” I think you get the idea)  The Graboids (cause they grab you!) should prove to be a tough out.

Yeti (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, 1964)-
Size: Approximately 20 feet tall, size 5 feet (“Bigfoot” is a misnomer)

You know this guy. He’s well-adapted to a cold environment and rivals ole wolfie as one of our hairiest competitors. But where the Yeti really draws his strength is from his, umm, strength. (Thesaurus for Christmas, please!) Yeti is battle tested and also must be pretty good at sneaking around since we rarely see him whereas the other competitors are well-known.

Vampires (Blade II, 2002)-
Size: Average human height

Many vampires competed to have this place, but in the end the Reaper bloodsuckers from Blade 2 in part because they are just GROSS. Look at that guy, although, now that I think of it, Robert Pattinson doesn’t have much on him in the looks department. ZING! Seriously though they have 3-way jaws, some other kind of sucker do-hickey, and their hearts are unstakable as they are protected by a thick cage of bone. Not your ordinary nosferatu, ladies and gents, and the reapers will travel in a pack of 5.

Zombies (28 Days Later, 2002)-
Size: Average slouching human height

Much like our vampire entry, many zombies fought for the right to compete this March, but at the end of the AZC (Atlantic Zombie Conference) championship, these undead were on top. Perhaps it was the outright, breakneck speed with which they travel? Perhaps it was their propensity to use the buddy system? Perhaps it was their retention of some brain function?  But most likely it was a bit of all three.  The zombies will be competing in a mini-horde of 5. You’ve never heard BRAIIIIIIIIIIIINS coming at you faster.

Godzilla (Gojira, 1954)-
Size: Somewhere in the neighborhood of 200-300 feet tall

The real thunder lizard. Godzilla hails from the depths of the ocean and raises hell and razes buildings in one quick step. His size will prove to be a great obstacle for competitors. Oh and he breathes fire. Ok it’s really a beam of thermonuclear energy, but the story is the same. His size does restrict his movement so a quicker opponent could get the drop on him, if wily enough.  Anyone who thinks this is just a big, dumb lizard…is right. But he’s a big dumb lizard who can do some serious damage.

Troll (Ernest Scared Stupid, 1991)-
Size: 8-9 feet

Trantor the troll is a wily and devious competitor included in the competition for the first time mostly because he scared the bejesus out of the competition committee. His skills include hexes/curses, and the ability to feed on the lifeforce of children (HOW WAS THIS A FAMILY MOVIE!?).  Trantor’s tricksy ways could prove trouble for some of our less intelligent fighters, but his inexperience will put him at a disadvantage.

Cave Creature (The Descent, 2005)-
Size: Average human height

The little freaks that could. Out of the caves of the Appalachian Mountains, come these lightning-quick, climb-tested, ferocious little guys. The 5 of them can’t see as they’ve been living literally under a rock their whole lives, but they’ve developed a keen sense of hearing and can get around with high speed. Their ability to work together (5 of them, you guessed it!) could make them a difficult enemy.

The Host (The Host, 2006)
Size: 20-25 feet, head to tail

The Host (Gwoemul) is coming to the tournament from South Korea. It’s a long trip for this mutated monster, but one that he’s making as a bit of a sleeper opponent. A monster that not everyone may know, The Host is a result of some chemicals in the water, think The Simpsons’ Blinky, but with more bitey-ness and legs and a tail. The Host is large, but very quick, and it LOVES to feed. Not much of a host at all if you ask me! (Apologies for that one)

Predator (Predator, 1987)
Size: 7’2”

One ugly S.O.B. from another planet is here to make his mark on this tournament. The Predator combines strength, speed, and technology to create one formidable offensive juggernaut. Predator was born to hunt and his vicious attacks were only stopped by Conan the Barbarian the governor of California. Back now with a renewed sense of destruction and death, Predator feasts on his prey using several weapons and his wiles. Also, best hairstyle.

Witch (The Wizard of Oz, 1939)
Size: Average Human Height, much larger nose

She’ll get you her pretties…and your little beasts too.  She can fly on her broomstick and has a small cadre of winged monkeys to do her bidding. At first glance, the Wicked Witch of the West might seem like a feeble competitor, but her wide array of attacks and minions makes her a strong addition to the field. She is also green. She has to hope to avoid water and remember to focus on the fight and not the opponent’s footwear.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (Ghost Busters, 1984)
Size: Approximately 120 feet

That is one HUGE marshmallow. And he is angry. Sure, he looks all cute-like with his sailor hat and his fluffiness, but Stay Puft is anything but a gentle giant. His mammoth size makes him a difficult target to take down and will prove his greatest asset as competition wears on. A competitor who can heat it up could make Stay Puft into a S’more.

Pennywise a.k.a. IT (IT, 1990)-
Size: Tough to tell since if you see its true form you go crazaaaaaaaaaay

Pennywise, a.k.a. Bob Gray, a.k.a IT is not of this world. And no sane person has ever seen what It truly looks like. Not a physical specimen necessarily since his form can change, but is the strongest mental competitor. His strongest weapon is his ability to strike fear. We know that It enjoy devouring children because creating their fears is easy to do and helps increase their flavor (How is Stephen King not in an asylum?) Pennywise looks to “salt the meat” of all of the competition.

The Blob (The Blob, 1951)
Size: Tough to tell since it has no shape like a big jelly ball and can continually expand.

The Blob came from outer space and started to just kind of expand, engulfing everything in its path. The Blob’s ability to expand and take in anything it absorbs makes it one of the toughest competitors in this competition.  It’s pretty icky in general, but is not a mindless ball of jelly. It’s a sentient organism bent on moving slowly and swallowing up everything in its path. Needs to avoid a chill.

The Thing (The Thing, 1982)
Size: Depends on who it’s inhabiting

From outer space again (lots of foreign creatures in this bracket), comes The Thing. The thing is one of the freakiest, ugliest, and creepy creatures in this mix. The Thing inhabits other organisms and takes control of their body. This makes it tough to know who you are fighting, it could be one of your best friends or it could be a murderous alien, choose your own adventure. The Thing isn’t the most physically fearsome monster, but its murderous and deceptive nature makes it a dangerous dark horse.

NOW you should be all set to pick who the biggest baddie is. The play-in game will be posted tomorrow night.

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