Personally, I’ll be wearing a Jean Christian Penney (pronounced Penn-AY) suit for the red carpet this Sunday, and drinking only the finest boxed wine. It’s a night where all of our favorite stars get dressed up and get to be self-important smug people and get recognized for how well they can be someone else. When you think of it like that, it’s just kinda icky all around actually.
Listen, I know we’re all a little teed off still that Crank: High Voltage wasn’t nominated for anything (not even Best Documentary! Shenanigans Academy, Shenanigans!), but being the pop culture harlot that I am (we are) these things still matter (right!?). A lot of times I think to myself, “I hate the Oscars” or “Morgan Freeman is like the PB and J of actors” but really neither of those things matter this Sunday because: IT’S OSCARGEDDON Y’ALL. Predict away!
The Morgan Freeman of Sandwiches
Andy: Bill and Ted, it’s long overdue.
Karla: I would like Christophe Waltz for Inglourious in the supporting actor category, but I fear he may lose it to Christopher Plummer. I have some issues with Invictus nominees because while the acting was good, I felt like the story was so powerful that it lent the roles more weight than the performances of the actors themselves actually merited. I haven’t seen Crazy Heart, but everyone tells me Jeff Bridges is a lock for Best Actor. I did love Up and if I could nominate Doug the Dog for something, I absolutely would. It won’t win best picture, but it’ll win almost everything else it’s nominated for. How do those Pixar guys do it? I would have liked In the Loop to be on there somewhere. I thought it was hilarious, smart, and well-acted. I would like to add a “Mockumentary” category to the Oscars.
I think I’ve now listed every movie I saw in theaters this year, so this exhausts the categories I can speak about with conviction.
Brad: “Footloose” for best song. Look, just because it was released over two decades ago doesn’t mean that it is no longer the best song in a movie. And isn’t that what the Oscars are really judging? Excellence in filmmaking. This is my glorious fight.
Chase: Theodore Chipmunk for Best Actor.
Best Actor Shoe-In
Jim: 1. Steve Martin will realize halfway through that he is utterly bombing recorrecting his route in one of the two following ways: A. Man this is starting suck, HEY GUYS, LOOK HOW GOOD I AM AT BANJO, B. Alec Baldwin joins him on stage and they host the last hour and a half as two WILD AND CRAZY GUYS
2. Steve Martin falls ill and is replaced by Zach Galifinakis.
3. On the scale of host performances, Steve Martin will rate somewhere between Whoopi Goldberg and Greg Gumbel.
Steve: “Footloose” has tough competition this year with “The Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience”.
As far as Best Actor: I’m going Ben Stiller from Night at the Museum 2: Battle at the Smithsonian. I mean he was sensational. He just crushed his performance in the first night at the museum by taking it all the way to DC.
Best Heist of the Year:
Jim Carrey for starring in the same movie twice without the critics noticing. ( Liar Liar 2: Yes Man)
Chase: On a more serious note my predictions…
-Picture : Avatar
-Dude : Jeff Bridges – - movie is awesome go see it if you haven’t
Sherman: No, director goes to Bigelow, because there’s never been a best director that’s a woman and because Cameron already has one. I agree with all the others, though I put it at 50-50 Avatar or Hurt Locker.
Seth: Amateur hour is over, here’s the fearless predictions you wanted:
1. James Cameron will exceed the over/under of 50 on shots of him looking smug.
2. The creators of Ferngully will stage a minor protest about their story being ripped off without credit.
3. George Clooney will simultaneously bed all of the Nominees for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress, and even a few of the animated nominees (Can I get a “Princess and the Frog”!?)
4. The Goonies cast will reunite for one night only to perform as a band, the hit single from their soundtrack “Goonies R Good Enough”. (Also known as Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Goonies Remix))
5. Brad Pitt will carve a swastika into Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie. It’s a toss-up.
6. Malcolm Tucker from In The Loop (which if you haven’t seen all of you will love) will drop F-Bombs like the Germans on Blitzkrieg (is it always too soon for Blitzkrieg jokes?) if In The Loop doesn’t win Adapted Screenplay.
7. Morgan Freeman will mount the stage after losing to Jeff Bridges and accuse everyone at the Academy of being racist, followed by Monique of Precious: Based on a Novel which makes this the longest movie title everrrrrrrr will post up in one of the GIANT Oscar statues and start screaming for world peace.
8. Cristoph Waltz will have a beard. Only one thing is scarier than a Nazi Zombie and it’s Cristoph Waltz with a beard.
9. The Coen Brothers will give an slow-burning, electrifying speech and cut it off mid-sentence RIGHT as it started to really sizzle.
10. Jeremy Renner will disappear halfway through the show because he just HAS to go back. Kate! He has to go back!
And some real ones:
-Film: The Hurt Locker, if Avatar wins I won’t be surprised, but I will be disappointed.
-Actress: I think this is the biggest toss up, but I’m gonna give it to Sandra Bullock, because she made everyone care about this family movie as an Oscar contender. A nod to Carey Mulligan, who was fantastic in An Education.
-Actor: I absolutely LOVED Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker, but it looks like the Dude is taking this one for Crazy Heart
-Supporting Actress: My vote would be for Anna Kendrick for Up In The Air, but I think that Mo’Nique has this one locked up for Precious.
-Supporting Actor: Cristoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds which for my money is the best performance of the year.
-Animated Film: After viewing 20 minutes, I knew it was UP and I didn’t need to see any of the others, although I did watch a few of them. Pixar FTW!
-Director: Kathryn Bigelow becomes the first female director to snag the Oscar. All Cameron did was make pretty (very pretty) CG. Bigelow punched you in the gut with The Hurt Locker.
-Original Screenplay: Inglourious Basterds, just some brilliant, brilliant slow burns in this movie and the words are what made it happen. Great writing on this piece. Could also see this going to The Hurt Locker. Funny in my world it would be either VERY wordy or Sparsely worded at all.
-Adapted Screenplay: I think Up In The Air will win, but In The Loop SHOULD. Definitely the quickest-paced and witted film I saw this year.
THAT is how you put the peanut butter on the jelly, ramblers! Who’s going to win big on Sunday? Give me your thoughts!
Discussion
3 comments for “A Matter of the Utmost Importance: Fearless Oscar Predictions”
P&J? Fughetabout it, Oscar night calls for steak, crab cakes and a dessert that makes your cholesterol level absolutely soar!
One point about your hilariously entertaining predictions: Is anyone rooting for that Gabby girl, the star of PRECIOUS? Have you ever seen her in an interview? She’s a sweet bubbly, girly-girl, which means that she positively transformed herself for her powerful role. Give her some love, people! What, just because she’s new and a big girl, nobody even mentions her as a contender? THAT AIN’T RIGHT! At any rate, thanks for a truly enjoyable Oscar review! You guys are hilarious!
Love your thoughts, comments and predictions. I’m pretty much on board with you – a few variations. I would love to see Cary Mulligan win. Sandra was good, but it was still a “Hollywood”film. And it has to be Mo’Nique – powerful!
Can’t wait to see the dresses – or lack there of. And I’ll do my best to stay awake till the end!
P&J? Fughetabout it, Oscar night calls for steak, crab cakes and a dessert that makes your cholesterol level absolutely soar!
One point about your hilariously entertaining predictions: Is anyone rooting for that Gabby girl, the star of PRECIOUS? Have you ever seen her in an interview? She’s a sweet bubbly, girly-girl, which means that she positively transformed herself for her powerful role. Give her some love, people! What, just because she’s new and a big girl, nobody even mentions her as a contender? THAT AIN’T RIGHT! At any rate, thanks for a truly enjoyable Oscar review! You guys are hilarious!
Love your thoughts, comments and predictions. I’m pretty much on board with you – a few variations. I would love to see Cary Mulligan win. Sandra was good, but it was still a “Hollywood”film. And it has to be Mo’Nique – powerful!
Can’t wait to see the dresses – or lack there of. And I’ll do my best to stay awake till the end!
Seth, You continue to amaze me…