I want to take you back. Come with me. Get in my Delorean and we’ll travel back in time. Shit I’m out of Plutonium.
- Good Guys are Good and Bad Guys are Bad: There is no gray in the turtleverse, times are simpler, gangs are easily identifiable, and every week evil is thwarted. Times are good.
- The Technodrome: Perhaps the second coolest bad guy lair in pop culture, (DeathStar#1). Who knows what this thing is even capable of all you need to know is that something named the Technodrome came to earth from Dimension X and the turtles defeated it. Bad. Ass.
- Turtles Hate Drugs: Come on please tell me someone else has seen this, video. I know I watched it in my DARE Club Meeting, then again maybe you weren’t cool enough to be in DARE.
- Pizza: The turtles made pizza cool. To be honest I don’t even know if I like the taste of pizza but I have been eating it religiously since 1987 in an attempt to convince Michaelangelo I am cool.
- Vigilante Justice: To my original point there is no guarantee you will have super powers in the cartoon verse, but even the regular dudes in the turtleverse are all about bad ass Vigilante Justice. Come on April and Casey Jones, they took some Mfers Down.
- Bonus point: I both pity and envy this child the same time.
Andy: Tom and Jerry…that episode, I believe entitled “Tee for Two” where tom gets a beard of bees to make him look like Abraham Lincoln..that’s just funny…plus cartoon violence is awesome. It was always on at breakfast time…mmmm bacon.
Me: I set the over under for how many sheets to the wind Andy is at 2.
Sherman: Alright. Now that the pesky people’s business is done, I can turn to a real matter of the utmost importance. Whether Andy is drunk. The answer is clearly, no. He’s just British. I think being British gives you a baseline BAC of 0.095. This is not widely known in America, because the British don’t use fucking decimal points and write it as 0,095. That’s a comma, assholes, so you’re saying you have zero thousand and ninety-five and no hundredths.
That said, borderline illiteracy in the language named after your people doesn’t disqualify you from being correct. Tom and Jerry’s world would be totally bad ass. Think about the money you would save on dental work. Tooth hurt? Just smash it out with a hammer and it will reappear perfect in the next scene. There’s even a movie based on this concept. You might remember it, it’s called Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and you’ll remember it because it rocked your world and made you hate automobile companies for buying up the streetcars to make highways. The fall of Detroit began in Toontown. Don’t steal that, I’m saving it for my Pulitzer-winning essay.
Also, our fearless leader is wrong. Saturday morning Turtles sucked. Turtles did not show up on Saturday morning until after a few seasons, meaning that, when it did, it was full of new characters (like those frogs) and character development stories. It even had new animation for its theme song. It was only saved when they would bring in the old episodes to fill that block before the new Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. I know this from the many hours I spent disappointed watching Turtles while eating branflakes, my favorite cereal. I may not have been allowed to eat sugary cereals, but I bet I was a lot more regular than all of you!
So, having smashed the rules about Saturday morning, I respectfully nominate TaleSpin for cartoon universe. Think of all those awesome airplanes that seemingly anyone is allowed to fly, particularly the Goose. Not going to lie, the air surfboard is awesome. But not only are you shuffling freight for the hot new boss you have sexual tension with, but you have to fight off AIR PIRATES. With FRENCH ACCENTS. And to top it all off you can head to Louie’s island to hang out. Not bad.
Me: TMNT started on Saturdays, consider yourself Wikipedia’ed.
Steve: First off…I’m shocked that Chase went straight for TMNT right away. I mean it was definitely my first choice , but Chase used to know (and I’m banking that he still does) every single word to Adventures of the Gummi Bears. Frankly, I’m surprised there wasn’t an intracerebral debate on your part Chase. As for me, a totally sweet show to be stuck in ASIDE from TMNT would have been DuckTales. I mean you get to hang out with Huey, Dewey, and Louie as they go on crazy adventures with Launchpad and Scrooge and protect Scrooge’s supremely awesome money pit from the Beagle Boys and other crazy nemeses. We should all be so lucky to dive into a money pit!
Patrick N: Micheal Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Bo “Knows everything about everything” Jackson made up one of the better crime-corralling and caper-crushing cartoons in the saturday morning lineup, ProStars. Ok, maybe the cartoon wasn’t that great and Gretzky was on roller blades. But imagine instead of calling 911, when some hooligan is illegally bulldozing your community playground to raise money for the anti-fun and anti-dinasour law he is looking to pass you can just call on your favorite sports heroes to save the day. That’s a universe of which I would like to be a part. Today I would imagine Lebron, a hopped up on steriods A-Rod, a literal Tiger Woods, and barrier- breaking Mia Hamm.
Josh: Despite Captain Planet being a decade ahead of its time, (I’m old school going green, you new environmentalists are just posers, suck it Gore) I would not want to have to live in that world. I mean come on. Your hero’s weakness isn’t kryptonite, it’s dirt. LAME. This may also come as a surprise to all of you, but even though TMNT were awesome (and the best cartoon/movies/video games ever), I wouldn’t want to live in that world either. First of all, the NYC sewer system does NOT sound like a great place to live. I just cannot believe that living in a sewer was an argument for TMNT. Yes, you live with four radical dudes, but you also live with poop. Not OK. Second, that life would get old really fast. After a month of Leonardo running in and yelling “Josh, come quick, the Shredder has kidnapped April! We have to save her!”, my only reply would be “Wow Leo, that totally didn’t happen yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. Maybe today you’ll defeat Shedder for good! Cowabunga dude!”
I would need to be in a cartoon universe with some variety, and let me tell you something, Jonny Quest has variety in spades.
-Every week you would be in a new part of the world taking down a new villain with your best friend Hadji.
-Your dad is one of the top scientists in the world = getting a hoverboard for Christmas.
-Your bodyguard/tutor is Race Bannon, a guy who is trained to pretty much do anything he wants. Need to fly a jet? Race can do it. Need to fight off an assassin? Race can do it. Need to know how make a killer souffle? Race laid the chick who invented the souffle!
World travel, crazy adventures, a bodyguard that could be a superhero, hanging with your best friend…. it doesn’t get much better than that. Not to mention your best friend knows magic. Sim Sim Salibim suckers!
Sherman: To clarify: Josh means variety of story lines, not stock animation, used for EVERY episode.
Kevin: This is a hearty debate, and I have nothing but fond feelings for TMNT, X-Men, and even Captain Planet (I was an old school green kid, but REALLY? The kid that was “heart” sucked ass). I present the nerdiest of all options as the world to live in: the short lived, first all-computer animated series Reboot. Now, I know the animation was crude (it was new technology in ’94) and probably pushing the limits of when we all went from watching cartoons regularly to staring at the one girl who got boobs in 5th/6th grade. However, as a world to live in? Couldn’t get much better. Imagine a world where you were inside of every game that was played on the computer you lived in-and that you had to defeat the user to prevent all parts of the mainframe city from being destroyed and all the little 1/0′s turning into to strange parasite worm things. This is the world of Bob the protaganist in this said program. So there you are, hanging out with 1/0′s and various humanoid characters with names in formula “__ matrix” often, and next thing you know you are in a street race to the death! a ninja quest! The possibilities are endless, and all you have to do to become a badass in this game is yell “Reboot!”. Imagine that today, being an elite trying to kill Master Chief in Halo to preserve your city, being the cops in the helicopter in GTA, the kid smart enough to pick american muscle over an over powered civic in a racing game. Sounds badass to me. Also, bonus, you live in a world created by computer/anime nerds, so all the women in your world have impossibly large, gravity-defying bosoms paired with impossibly small waists and probably weild a sword time and time again(see character Dot Matrix). And if playing games gets old, you get tobattle and save the city from badass super viruses (Megabyte, Hexadecimal) and the ever lurking evil “The Web”….interesting plot choice to make internet evil.
In closing, all of these worlds would rock. Now how do we get into our TVs and live it? Pizza and mutant animals here I come!
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