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10 seconds left on the clock. You’re down by 2 points. It’s your ball. Who is drawing up your play?
It’s the Super Bowl. Your team has defied all odds to get here. Who’s leading you out of the tunnel?
It’s the ’80 Olympics. You’re a ragtag group of hockey players picked with one thing in mind: Bring home the gold. Who’s calling your line changes?
I think (hope) you get the idea. Sports have been an incredible source for movies and television. Even music (Space Jam, anyone?). And along with that there have been some incredible coaches portrayed on the screen. My question is, when your back is against the wall, your team is down to its last hope, who do you want to see on the other side of your huddle? Which coach do you want on your bench, making the calls? Which coach do you want to put you in?
I’ve personally gotta go with Coach Gary Gaines (Billy Bob Thornton) of Friday Night Lights, the movie. Here’s why:
-Coach Gaines handles enormous pressure from one of the most intense football towns in the MOST intense football state.
-He loses his all-universe running back before the season even really gets started, but pulls his team together nonetheless.
-He takes a group of sometimes rejects and forms them into a team to take on the highest flying team in the state.
-This
Chills? Yes, please.
Note: Coach can be real or fake, doesn’t matter to me. This means Gordon Bombay (Mighty Ducks) vs. Herb Brooks (Miracle) for greatest hockey coach of all time.
The Lineup: Karla, Chase, Sherman, Greg, Kevin, Steve, Jeff, Josh
Karla: I always really liked Henry Winkler as “Mr. Coach Klein” in The Waterboy. Once he got over his deep seeded fear of his rival, he was able to call out some very creative plays and bring the Mud Dogs and defensive star Bobby Boucher back into the game. He also seems approachable and like he would be a coach who would look out for his players but also try and get the best out of them and push them too. Plus, Henry Winkler is the Fonz. so he’ll always be cool, no matter what.
Chase: This is such a good question, it combines my 2 passions in life tv/movies and pretending I was once and athlete. In thinking about my answer I thought of a number of lesser known Coaches and I thus feel obligated to provide my list by sport. Don’t fret I will name my dream coach at the end.
Basketball - Coach Pete Bell – Nick Nolte- Blue Chips – - There is no one save Bob Knight himself that could light a fire under my ass faster.
Baseball - Morris Buttermaker – Walter Mathau – Bad News Bears (1976) — Who wouldn’t to join a team full of “colorful language quote removed!”
Golf - Romeo Posar- Cheech Marin – Tin Cup — How can you lose with this guy on your bag. “Look, boss, I only got one rule. And that’s never bet money that you don’t have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper.”
Any type of Fighting - Louis Stevens – Mark Dacascos - Only The Strong- Do you guys have any idea how many times I watched this as a 10 year old. Of course not More than Turtles in Time but less than Crocodile Dundee. Which means about 10 viewings.
And the Winner is a darkhorse, the Assistant Coach of the Texas State University Fightin’ Armadillos, Coach Wally Riggendorf played by Robert Loggia in Necessary Roughness. I think ultimatly you cannot judge a coach without looking at how he assembles a team. Here are some important facts:
- He selects a QB that is older than us (this gives me hope)
- He selects Kathy Ireland as a kicker (do I need to state why that is awesome)
- He is capable of talking Sinbad into playing for squad (if the man can inspire the bad he can inspire anyone)
- He constantly makes fun of Rob Scheidner and Jason Bateman
- He makes this team scrimmage against inmate
If that doesn’t convince you his halftime speech should…
NOT A GOD DAMN THING’S been working for us. Like this goddamn suit doesn’t work for me… and this stinking tie… and this goddamned shirt. IT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME. YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY WINNING HARD-NOSED FOOTBALL? YOU PLAY FOOTBALL LIKE ED GENERRO PLAYED FOOTBALL. A guy who gave his life for this football team. He was a 140-pound halfback, and HE PLAYED LIKE A GODDAMN WILDMAN! NO! LIKE A GODDAMN RAMPAGING BEAST! And that’s the way you got to do it! YOU GO OUT THERE! YOU TEAR THEIR F***ING HEADS OFF, AND YOU S*** DOWN THEIR NECKS! Let us pray.
Sorry for the length.
Me: That’s what Chase often says. Count it.
Sherman: I find coaches in movies (with the exception of Morris Buttermaker, good call Chase) to be somewhat bland. They are forced to be inspiring and that really inhibits their ability to play a real coach — pompous, fat, and cliched.
So which coach do I really want to have? Well, kinda none of them, though I certainly wish I could BE Billy Heywood (Little Big League). So instead, I am going to nominate the perfect ASSISTANT coach, Bull Durham‘s Larry Hockett. Here’s Larry, supporting his manager’s inspiring pep talk. And here’s Larry helping his players work through tough emotional problems.
Greg:Most of you know I don’t have too much love for baseball but a baseball movie wins here. Phil Brickman (Daniel Stern) in Rookie of the Year: ”Funky buttluvin!” Nuff said.
Me: Greg doesn’t know how to spell “buttlovin.”
Kevin: Daniel Stern’s performance in Rookie of the Year is by far one of the most underrated comedic performances of all time, i just saw it in a deep cable re-run recently and just confirmed that opinion-was he a proper coach though-does an inept pitching coach count? I would vote yes, because the manager was quite forgettable in that film-Gary Busey’s giant front teeth did play a major role however.
I’m going baseball on this one as well. Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez aka “Benny the Jet” from The Sandlot. Wait! You’re thinking, he was one of the players, not a coach, however Benny’s raw athletic power and baseball knowledge made an adult coach superfluous. He played, rotated all positions a man down (b/c someone had to bat), whooped the rich kids as manager/infeilder, not to mention outran The Beast. Also, who doesn’t want a coach that gets visited by Babe Ruth in his dreams, BABE RUTH (The Sultan of Swat! The Colossus of Clout!) To top it all off he got Smalls to learn to catch and throw in less than five minuites, really watch that part again (on catching-”Just put your mitt up like this and I’ll take care of the rest”). This is a great coach in what is the best sports childhood movie of our generation. yeah I said it. I dare you to go to a party and say the word “forever” somewhat noticeably and not have some one repeat as “fore-eve-rrrrr” a la Michael “Squints” Palledorous.
I’m going home now to have a private biblical moment to footage of Wendy Preffercorn.
Me: While I love the spirit here I have to yield to kid logic, no one ever called the best player of their group of friends the “Coach.” Captain at best and that’s a stretch. And they weren’t even a formal team. The Sandlot is undeniably the best youth sports movie of our generation (all-time?), but as great as “The Jet” was, he was no coach!
Steve: I have a few in mind:
- Irv Blitzer, Cool Runnings- Played by the one and only John Candy – It wasn’t the most conventional coaching ever, but who else could teach and then coach a summertime folk from Jamaica into the Olympic Games for, that’s right, Bobsled racing? That takes perseverance, great patience, lots of imaginative thinking, and motivation…all things a great coach needs. “You’re bones will not break in a bobsled. No, they shatter.” I mean look at the men he had to work with! They couldn’t have been more different and he brought them together to form an Olympic team. Solid work! “Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up! It’s Bobsled time!”
- Mr. Miyagi, The Karate Kid – The old man takes a skinny little white kid to the top of karate stardom. My little sister could have beaten up Danny. The best around? I don’t think so…that kid was probably still pissing his bed before Mr. Miyagi got a hold of him. He catches flies with chopsticks, teaches puny Danny how to take down the Cobra Kai, beats up Danny’s bullies, and heals his freakin leg. I guess Bansai trees and waxing a car really do make an indefensible killer out of the puniest of boys.
- Herb Brooks, Miracle – I have a little bias here because of his tie to the Pittsburgh Penguins. And yes, I realize he is a nonfictional character, but he is also a character from one of the greatest sports movies of our time. The tale of the group of undersized college nobodies to take on the odds and take down the Red Army on the ice is one of the greatest sports stories in the history of sports. Not only did he take the team of underdogs against an extreme favorite, but his coaching inspiration had a historic role as well on an international stage in 1980. His unconventional style at the time combined psychological coaching with intense training to take our boys to the top.
- Patches O’Hullihan, Dodgeball – “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!”
Jeff: Second on Patches…that was an awesome coach.
Josh: My coach is Mickey Goldmill from Rocky. How can you not become a better boxer, and person, with this old troll-man yelling at you nonstop? I mean this guys was relentless. Every time you start to think that he may be a few cards short of a full deck, he poops out a little pearl of wisdom about boxing or life. He is the quintessential rough-around-the-edges-but-has-a-heart-of-gold guy.
He may not have been the most articulate, but I can tell you that without Mickey, there is no way Rocky defeats Apollo Creed, Mr. T, or all of Russia. Go America!
And so ends another edition of A Matter. Who did we miss? Who do you want as your coach?
