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Fellow ramblers, I come to you today with A Matter of the Utmost Importance. See, if my years of pop culture consumption are to be believed, at some point the human race or at least America will be subject to mass oppression by one of the following: invading foreign armies, invading aliens, subhumanoid underground dwelling “people,” or an army of super intelligent baby geniuses. So we wake up one day and we find ourselves subjugated, our backs are against the wall, and we’re down to our last hope, one man or woman whom we trust to deliver us from evil. But who is this mystery leader? Who will spearhead the resistance?
NOTE: I ruled out super obvious choices, i.e. John Connor from the Terminator franchise, not to mention te four-headed aces of Independence Day, Goldblum/Pullman/Smith/Quaid.
Without further ado, our illustrious panel: Me, Chase, Matt, Patrick, Kevin, Josh, and Steve
Chase: I have labored long and hard (like more than 15 minutes) on this topic and I have my answer. At first I thought about Gladiator or Jed from Red Dawn, but then I realized that if your back is truly against the wall, you need someone that knows how to work in the seedy underworld.
- Previous combat experience – army special forces is no joke
- MacGyver-like creativity – can’t get from point A to point B without getting blasted by alien Nazi baby dudes? No problem, Hannibal gets the plans together for a badass armored vehicle and delegates the labor to whoever our Mr.T is.
- What if we’re captured by the Martian baby Reich? That’s ok, because Hannibal’s already broken out of maximum security prison. No big deal.
- It’s also going to be assumed that we’ll all pretty much constantly be on the run. The A-Team is always on the run…though allegedly they didn’t commit the crime they’re wanted for.
- Leadership skills – managing that group of characters is no easy task, and I would assume neither is earning the respect of Mr. T.
Plus, from a practical standpoint, his van would be able to hold more of us, and can easily be converted into a kid-trap if enslaved by baby geniuses with a little candy and a smile, should we ever have to resort to cannibalism for sustenance. I know that sounds harsh, but kids are an easy target and I’m sure it’s like people-veal.
Me: These are my friends.
Patrick: Clearly the person to keep us all alive and well is Echo from the Dollhouse. We can program her to be whatever we need at the moment and the Dollhouse is so secret that even the government can’t find it, so how would the oppressors ever be able to do so?
Kevin: Ash Williams, as played by Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead 1, 2 and Army of darkness. Homeboy takes on demons, miniature versions of himself and general hellspawn wisecracking all the while. Bonus, very fond of making fun of self and career as a B movie star. Obviously, we will need the Ash post hand loss with prosthetic chain saw attached to arm. Best movie weapon ever.
- In the first Rambo, he manages to bring down a helicopter… with a rock…. while hanging from a cliff face! John McClain needed an entire car. That guy was a wuss. I’m fairly certain that this would translate into the ability to bring down an alien mother-ship with a primitive spear.
- EXPLOSIVE ARROWHEADS!
- Rambo 2 and 3 taught us that he is able to single handedly shove one up the Soviet army’s collective backside. I think we can all agree that the USSR has the most in common with zombies. Everyone knows that the Red Scare was a result of commies biting people in order to spread their ideals. (EDITOR’S NOTE: HISTORY + SCIENCE=FACTS)
- EXPLOSIVE ARROWHEADS!!!
- In Rambo 3 our hero is shot. Is his reaction to clean out the wound and apply clean bandages? Absolutely not! That would be the downright cowardly. Rambo decides to apply gun powder and cauterize the wound with a giant man-knife. This guy’s idea for treating an injury is to blow it up! Therefore, not only is Rambo the ideal resistance leader, he is also manliest doctor ever (This can be found in Medical texts across the country)
- While driving a tank, he played chicken with a Soviet gunship… and WON!
- I have not seen the latest Rambo, but from what I’ve heard, he basically runs through the jungle and kills anything with a brainstem. AND some stuff without brainstems.
I think this makes John Rambo a pretty solid choice for leader of the resistance. Not to mention, he beat Apollo Creed in a boxing match and still doesn’t know how to use the three seashells.
Steve: I was going to go for John Rambo, but Josh beat me to it. Great freaking character, unstoppable. I mean, who chooses an explosive arrow tip as his weapon of choice. Josh, it seems, was still stuck on zombies though. We all know Rambo would dominate Aliens or NeoNazis, but there is a soft spot in John Rambo. I question his abilities to kill babies…however, if push came to shove I think he could do it if they were evil and it was in the name of survival.
Now you might think Predator would be well suited to this task, as I did when I had this exchange with him over tea this morning:
“Predator, if society collapses, how suited would you be as our leader?”
“ASSSssslkajsdkl;HHIIIEIEWP”
(trans: Are you kidding me? Predator answers to no one, not even himself.
Ahhskuh me abawut mah svord. Gaw ahad ahhskuh me.
This is of GREAT importance. Although I agree that Rambo was awesome…he is not our guy! I would much rather Mad Max anyway… but I don’t think he’s our guy either.
I choose…. Connor McManus from Boondock Saints as our male leader…
and I choose Maude from The Big Lebowski as our female. She gets stuff done.
so there ya have it.
I’m looking forward to more rambles!!!!
Bear Grylls. The dude kills alligators WITH HIS BARE HANDS.