Indiana Jones is an American cinema icon. He’s an archetype which other heroes have been based because of his mix of derring-do, moxie, and unflappable cool. The first 3 movies are undeniably some of, if not THE, best adventure movies ever made. Last year a mildly entertaining, shiny addition was made to the canon, but it lacked some of the authenticity and familiarity of the original trilogy. Oh also, there were a few mind-blowingly stupid scenes featuring Even Stevens playing Tarzan with a group of monkeys and a bunch of glass-like aliens which merged into one living alien which then killed Cate Blanchett with knowledge. Yes, she was killed because of her quest for knowledge. Makes sense.

No it doesn’t. But the point of this post is not to rip on Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I’ll leave that to everyone else who has done it before. The point of this post is to worry. No, to worry incessantly about the newly “cracked” 5th entry in the canon. All signs point to this one being inevitable and with that in mind I’d like to offer my priceless two cents to Messrs. Spielberg and Lucas.

1. The MacGuffin- A MacGuffin is something that drives the plot of the story, in the case of Indy it’s been mostly sacred religious artifacts, i.e. the Ark of the Covenant, the sacred Shankara Stones, the Holy Grail, and most recently a Crystal Skull. I think anyone will agree that the movies featuring the Ark and the Grail are the most compelling. And the other two are ummm, less so. I’d like to proffer that part of that reason is because the MacGuffins are well-known and are famous artifacts known the world over. So let’s take it back to the things people know! Make it something we know a lot about or have heard stories of. They’ve managed to successfully turn sacred artifacts into supernatural totems before, they can do it again. Suggestions? Noah’s Ark, The Ten Commandments, the Shroud of Turin. All of those Christian artifacts, simply because it’s what’s worked best in the past. I think the other intriguing idea is to search for the Cross of Coronado, which has made several appearances in the films. I think Indy fans would find that fun and a nice tie-in to the old movies to start bringing new Indy (EVEN STEVENS) into the fold properly.

2. The baddies- Well they jumped to the Russkies with KotCS, so I think we’re stuck there for the time being. But, really, didn’t they just seem lifeless and ineffective? It’s time to put some backbone back into our villians. Is it time for a new Belloq to rival our new Indy? I think so, and why not bring it back closer to home and have him work for a mob boss or the U.S. government? I mean they HAVE been boxing up all those artifacts for a LONG time. Clearly something is going on. Give me someone to hate. It’s a tall order since you’ve already used the Nazis, which is about as close to pure evil as you can get, but let’s give it a shot.

3. The effects- I’m a huge fan of CG and think that its contributions to film are very important, but I also echo my friend Marshall who upon seeing some of Indy 4 said this (minor spoilers ahead): “Remember when those ants devoured that dude? Those used to be real ants.” I think that’s so true and that’s one of the things I’m speaking to with the lack of authenticity. Bring back real props and make the CG part of the film, not a crutch for it to stand on. Real ants. We want them, we need them.

4. Pseudo-Indify Mutt- I was I feel like in the minority in appreciating Shia’s role in Indy 4. I thought they were on the right track for setting up Mutt as the man for the next Indys to come. Sure, he was a bit ridiculous, but he had some of the same emotions, mannerisms as Young Indy (River Phoenix OR Sean Patrick Flannery). With a little bit of age, I can believe that Mutt will grow into a fine Indy replacement, he simply needs a little bit of wisdom. Hopefully Harrison will be around to teach him how to classically deliver one-liners.

5. Short Round- Yes, we need more Short Round. Enough said. Best. Sidekick. Ever. Just remember, “You call him Dr. Jones, doll.” Love it.

Those are my ideas for ensuring the success of Indy 5, and I don’t mean at the box office. I mean in the hearts/minds of all those who take Indy seriously and miss the hero of old. Give us back our hero.