next great action movie trilogy: blood monk

So I’m writing today to tell you of a fantastic new trilogy coming down the cinema pipeline. This has a ton of hype surrounding it after displaying the above posters at the Ottumwa Film Festival. In what is probably one of the boldest moves ever regarding a franchise, Fakeout Films will be releasing all three movies on the exact same date: Monday June 1, 2009. That’s right Monday. Fakeout films may be the most daring new production company on the block. Even crazier, they haven’t made any of the films yet, they hope to have Tony Jaa star in all three.

The story of the Blood Monk trilogy might seem familiar, that is if you were a 19th Century Shaolin Monk. Which you are not. So this story is totally crazy awesome.

Blood Monk I: Hell’s Friar will introduce audiences to the most amazing hero since John McClane, Lei Fong. Fong was born into a Shaolin Monastery and from an early age exhibited a mastery of Shaolin Kung Fu unlike anything his elders had ever seen. In fact he killed his first man at the age of 3. For fun. In this story we watch Fong grow up and become the greatest Shaolin warrior of all time. But when his monastery is attacked by a gaggle of evil white ninjas, Fong is forced to defend his home. In multiple epic scenes, Fong battles bravely, but dies. Or does he? He is sent to Hell for his murderous ways, but a golden Buddha comes to Hell and fights a tiger who is riding a dragon, thereby releasing Fong from his Hell sentence. He is now free to avenge the pillaging and torching of his Monastery.

Blood Monk II: Speak No Evil will focus on Fong’s journey back from Hell to triumph. He will travel to the tallest peaks of the Himalayas to train under the wizened sensei, Yeu Hou. Hou trains Fong for 7 years, all of which will be passed in the best montage in movie history. Not the best martial arts training montage, the best one ever. That’s right, I’m looking at you ROCKY series. During Fong’s training, he falls for one of Hou’s concubines, Dongmei Fang. Their love is forbidden under Hou’s rules and Fong and Fang leave his temple to start a new life. But Fong’s destiny catches up with him when the evil ninja master Wing Kong kidnaps his love. Fong humbly returns to Yeu Hou’s temple to ask forgiveness and for the fabled Blade of Destiny. Hou gives Fong the sword and Fong embarks on a vengeance mission unlike any ever seen. He truly earns the title of Blood Monk while flogging his opponents. Again this will be a sick montage. When Fong reaches the end of the bloody row, he discovers an incredible secret, Wong King is not the man at the top. But he is Fong’s father! Holy Crap, that is a twist and a half you might say, honestly this has never been done in any other movie. EVER. After killing Wong King for wasting his time, Fong sets out on a journey to finally avenge his Monastery.

Blood Monk III: The Last Chants will be the final chapter of this epic battle of good vs. evil. Early in the movie we are introduced to the form of pure evil at the top of the evil pyramid, Hong Pan. This movie is basically going to be one huge fight scene with small doses of wisdom to break up the action. When Fong returns from killing Wong King, he finds his sensei dead at the hands of Hong Pan. He tries to fight Pan, but is overmatched. Pan allows him to live, a mistake he will almost certainly regret. Also, Pan can control time which is totally awesome and allows for some amazing special effects, think “The Matrix,” but sexier. His ability to control time is never explained, nor does it need to be, out of sheer awesomeness. Fong is at a loss about what to do, there is no way to battle a man who can control time. But he is surprisingly not defeated by this idea as his concubine lover lifts his spirits by singing an epic song. He then realizes she is in fact a total fox whom he must defend. Pan comes back to the mountaintop monastery to find not only Fong, but a slew of other totally rad Kung Fu Fighters (Carl Douglas plays in the background). The fighters had heard not only of Fong’s plight, but of his excellence as a fighter and so an army of Blood Monks greets Pan while chanting. In a Legen- wait for it, wait for it- DARY battle featuring Tigers, Mountain Goats, and Crocodiles, let alone killer monks, Pan is victorious. UNTIL Fong pulls out the Blade of Destiny, which handily has the power to cancel out Pan’s power. Talk about lucky! Once Pan’s power is drained, Fong battles him in hand-to-hand combat, eventually slaying the villain and winning the day. Fong is regarded as a hero throughout the land for ending Pan’s reign of terror. Also he marries Fang, and gets the golden Buddha to resurrect Hou and his monk friends. And puts his monastery back together, where he lives in peace still today.

Obviously these movies and their total originality are going to melt everyone’s faces. The marketing as you can see is top shelf, I mean sample these taglines thought up by the marketing group Nicolas & Thibodeau:
“Deadliness is next to Godliness”
“Sometimes it takes a vow of violence”
“This time, he prays for keeps”

If these movies don’t beat the pants off of Titanic, America isn’t the country I thought it was. So do your patriotic duties and see Blood Monk 1-3.